Sometime around last November a new trailer found its way into the parking lot of the pizza joint just across the street from my apartment. While trailers of all sorts are nothing out of the ordinary in Austin (much less Texas), this one was a little more tacky than usual. A business was housed inside, specializing in coffee sales. This was no ordinary coffee however, this was coffee with "attitude" directed at those "who like it hot and steamy." (I typically enjoy my coffee with a modicum of competence.) Behind the clever quotation marks was the catch--the difference between your coffee shop and this one was the scantly clad girls working at the latter. Get it? Sex coffee! It was a seemingly ingenious business model:Me: Did I tell you about my new idea?
You: The Sponge Bob anal thermometer?
Me: No, someone beat me to that. Check this out, what are two things people want?
You: Happiness and health?
Me: No, try coffee and hot chicks. Up top!
You: Granted, but those two things are separate. I mean I have to go to different places for each.
Me: Do you? Have you even been to Hooters(tm)?
You: Sadly, no.
Me: Well, you know the idea, right?
You: You mean an intersection of frat boys/man children, fried foods, and girls with low self-esteem?
Me: Are you mocking me, or just trying to be gay?
You: I think you had a point somewhere in here...
Me: Oh, right. Take Hooters, keep the silicone and swap the hot wings for hot coffee. Huh, pretty good?
You: This is your plan?
Me: No, it's my business plan.
You: Do you even know anything about coffee?
Me: No, but I know a little something about hot chicks. Up top!
You: Nice one.
Me: It gets better. You know how boobs and coffee cups come in different sizes?
You: I guess I've never seen things like that, but I suppose you're right.
Me: Well, instead of a small coffee, you get a B-cup. And the extra-large? You know you're getting a double-D cup. Up top!
You: Well, good luck to you.
Me: Thanks, but I don't need it. This is a gold mine. A black-gold mine.
You: It will certainly be a pit.
Everything materialized according to plan, and it was called Latte Dolls. They even had theme days: Monday, which saw the baristas in school-girl garb helped you start your week off with a "bang" (Their quotes, once again. Get it?), while Warrant Wednesday was a hot-cops theme (although I think they could have gotten more mileage by dressing up like the 80s band). Sunday, oddly enough, saw the coffee stand closed, in apparent accordance with the Scriptures.
In the end, poorly conceived innuendos didn't translate into coffee sales, and the sexiest little coffee stand in Austin was carted away this morning, leaving at least one failed businessman in "mourning." Get it?
